Every human being has to face the harsh reality of mortality, and within a family, that reality takes on additional dimensions. One day, our parents will be gone, and one day, our kids will lose us.
Once you’ve lost a parent or grandparent, there come a string of moments when you think, “I should call — ” and then remember that you can’t. Maybe you just wanted to chat, but you also realize that you no longer have someone to ask about great-grandpa’s military service or to tell you what the secret ingredient was in the annual vegetable soup.
One Redditor asked others to help compile a list of things that people should remember to ask their parents before it’s too late. As parents, we could also make a conscious decision to record this information for our own kids.
Family history
Genealogy websites are a fantastic tool to help find birth certificates, marriage records, and other information, and even if your loved ones are gone, you can build a partial picture with military records and census information. That will never be the same, though, as tales of these folks from those who knew them.
Now is the time to ask your parents, and grandparents if possible, to tell you stories about their parents and grandparents. And to tell your kids, or write down for them (better) the stories you would want to share with them of yourself, and your parents and grandparents.
Recipes
Nobody makes an apple pie quite like your grandmother’s. Mom’s roast should win blue ribbons. Dad’s rib rub is a treasured family secret. And obviously, these recipes are all written down on lovely neat index cards that you’ll inherit one day, right? Maybe not.
One Redditor said, “We always assume those great family traditions are written down. Since they were made so often, usually it is done by memory.”
Write down the recipe for that homemade pizza dough your kid loves (and spend an afternoon teaching her to make it, too!), and ask your parents to do the same with the foods you won’t want to forget.
Medical History
This one is no fun, but if you’ve never talked to your parents about it, you should ensure you know this information. Knowing who suffered from arthritis and how many folks in your genetic line suffered heart health problems, cancers, and even some dental issues can help you in your healthcare.
You’ve probably filled out forms answering all this at your child’s pediatrician, possibly multiple times, but it’s also a great idea to write it down and hand them a physical copy when they hit adulthood and take on responsibility for their own medical care.
Life Advice
We all know there are some pieces of advice from our parents’ and grandparents’ generation that just don’t apply to the current world. Collecting their words and worldviews will make important memories (whether or not you take their advice).
One Redditor recommends asking your parent for the most valuable piece of advice they ever received from their own parent. At the same time, you can write down the best things your parents ever told you for your children and save it to pass down when they’re adults.
Practical Matters
This is another one that’s hard to hear but essential if you’ll be responsible for matters after your parents are gone. You need to know where the necessary documents are, including wills, identity documents, insurance information, and deeds.
You need to know what regular services they’re paying for—trash collection, utilities, cable, Netflix, grocery delivery, medical insurance, and rent or mortgage payments. If passwords or a PIN will be needed to access any of these services to cancel them, you’ll need that, too.
While you ask these questions of your parents, plan to prepare a similar document for your own children in the future.
Photo Identification
When my grandmother passed away, I was fortunate to have another family member who could help identify people in old family photos — ones where my grandmother was the bonneted and bootied infant in someone else’s arms. Before looking through piles of photos of unidentifiable strangers who were supremely important to your parents and grandparents, take the time to get those names now.
Make photocopies, take scans, or take high-quality photos with your phone, and spend some time with your parents (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. too) getting the details. Make notes of names, how they’re related, when the photo was taken, and anything else about what was happening.
Keepsakes, Bric-a-brac, Heirlooms, & Trinkets
Ask Mom about the provenance of items in her jewelry box. Whether the contents are costume jewelry and beads or precious stones and gold, get the stories behind the pieces—the necklace Grandma gave her at graduation, the bracelet your dad bought her for their anniversary, the ring that has birthstones for each of her children.
While you’re at it, ask about other items in the home that are precious to her. Maybe the ceramic chicken is just a dollar store trinket, but it’s unique to her because it was the first Christmas gift you or one of your siblings bought with your money. Maybe the mantel clock was handed down from her father.
Whether or not you keep the items, the stories are precious.
Recordings & Video
I know folks who are still holding onto an old cell phone because it has voicemails saved from their mother. Hearing a loved one’s voice even after they’re gone is a miracle of technology.
Ask your parents if they’d mind letting you record a video of them sharing some memories, life advice, or almost anything. Then, consider recording a video or audio file of yourself with any meaningful message you’d like your kids to have in the future.
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