Once, multigenerational households were the norm, where grandparents were actively involved in raising the next generation, but the parents were still present and generally the primary caregivers. Over generations, this has become less common, and in Western societies, the typical family structure is now a separate household with parents and children, though grandparents may still be quite involved.
However, less common doesn’t mean entirely uncommon. In fact, there are a significant number of families in which the grandparents are raising grandkids as their primary caregivers, in some cases with no involvement at all from the birth parents.
The Statistics
The latest data released from the U.S. Census counts just over 83 million families in the U.S., 6.7 million families in which one or more grandparents lives in the same household with one or more grandchildren, and more than 2 million families in which the grandparents were the primary caregivers.
That works out to about one out of every 12 families with a live-in grandparent and one out of about 40 families in which the grandparent or grandparents are raising another generation of kids.
Becoming A Caregiver All Over Again
Sometimes, grandparents know before a grandbaby is born that the child is likely to be in their care. This can happen for many reasons, such as an underaged child becoming pregnant or an adult parent who can’t care for the child for other reasons. It can come out of circumstances that are tragic for everyone involved.
Other times, it’s more gradual, with a temporary situation becoming long-term and permanent.
For some grandparents, though, it comes out of the blue. The AARP shared the story of one man who was preparing for retirement when a social worker pulled up with one of his grandkids in the car and said, “If you don’t take this child, we are going to put her in protective services.”
The Struggles You Don’t See
Parenting is hard. Grandparents have, at least, the advantage of experience and sometimes may have had time to become more financially stable than a younger parent, but they face some significant struggles.
For one thing, any time you’re raising a child that isn’t your immediate biological offspring, there’s extra paperwork. You’ll need to prove to the school, the doctor, and others, that you truly have the legal rights and responsibilities connected to this child. As one person told me, speaking anonymously:
“In my experience a grandparent who is caring for their grandchild cannot make important decisions for their grandchild unless they have legal custody…If dysfunctional parent(s) are not willing to grant this authority it becomes a fight between the parent(s) and grandparents and then back to lawyer costs and proof of unfit parents..”
Taking over the parenting of a child means court hearings and therapy sessions, questions of visitation and/or enforcing limits or bars on contact with the birth parents, and so much more.
Soothing The Trauma
One grandparent who spoke to me for this story on the condition of anonymity described being obligated to let her grandchild visit the biological parents despite the circumstances that had made her the primary caregiver to begin with. She said:
“Through the Temporary Parenting Agreement, I had to let each take him for visitation. It was traumatic for him.”
The primary caregiver is the one the child turns to for transition through this trauma, yet in cases like this, the grandparent is forced to put the child back into the traumatic situation over and over. Another person who shared their experience said:
“The child has no rights, even if they want to live with the grandparents…It is the most heartbreaking thing to have to leave your grandchild with their parent knowing they are terrified to go…to hear them beg, ‘Please don’t make me go.'”
It should be noted here that the upheaval is traumatic for children, regardless of the effort put in by any adults involved. Even if the parents do their best to resolve the situation and the grandparents do their best to facilitate it, it can be hard on kids.
The Legal Status Can Be Iffy
Sometimes, a grandparent becomes the primary caregiver when child protective services step in or after a protracted legal battle. Other times, a child is dropped off, and the parent disappears — then what?
In this situation, grandparents find themselves with no legal status. Enrolling the kid in school may be difficult, and taking him to a doctor may be an issue. Seeking the assistance of social safety nets like Medicaid, WIC, or Supplemental Nutritional Assistance (SNAP, commonly known as “food stamps”) can be difficult without proof that the child is in your care.
Moreover, there is no guarantee the child you’re becoming increasingly connected with will stay in your care. One grandparent told me:
“I sought help from several attorneys and government agencies. I was told that in [the relevant state], grandparents do not have rights. At any time, either could have come in and taken my grandchild from what was his home — his safe haven.”
The Lifestyle Changes
In many cases, suddenly having a child in the home again can change things entirely. The grandparent mentioned in the AARP story above had to cancel his retirement plans. One grandparent told me the exact opposite happened — because of the child’s severe asthma, she needed to leave the job she’d worked at for over two decades.
Another grandparent told the AARP that she cried in Walmart as she tried to figure out how she’d cover the cost of all the supplies her five grandkids needed. Still, others described having to homeschool a grandchild because of his needs and how their social group even changed because they were no longer able to share the activities they’d previously enjoyed with friends.
The Emotional Upheaval
What a roller coaster. Most grandparents are overjoyed to have their grandbabies around, but that doesn’t mean it’s all sunshine and butterflies.
Many grandparents report a sense of grief at the loss of the role they thought they had settled into and the change in relationship with their child as they take on the role that they expected that child to take.
There’s also often a sense of guilt. Helpguide describes it this way:
“You may feel guilty and responsible for your child’s failures as a parent, second-guessing and regretting your own mistakes when you were first parenting.”
Still other grandparents taking on the parenting role find themselves angry and resentful. A Cleveland.com advice column, for example, just hosted a letter from a grandparent asking how to deal with her resentment of her daughter for “lazy parenting.” She wrote:
“While my granddaughter is my pride and joy, I can’t help but be angry most of the time because (1) my life is no longer my own and is certainly not what I envisioned at this age; (2) I pay for everything because my daughter can’t land a meaningful job and, if she does, it’s not for long; and (3) I’d rather be doing anything else but playing with a toddler and watching toddler shows as I find it extremely boring.”
Tips For Grandparent Raising Grandkids
The Nebraska Children’s Home Society recently addressed the number of grandparents raising their grandchildren and the difficulties and joys associated with the task. They dropped a list of suggestions to help smooth the path.
These include being honest with the child, including about the circumstances. (This doesn’t mean they need all the information, just that they need truthful information in an age-appropriate way.) They also recommend maintaining contact with the parents when possible.
They suggest finding a support group to connect with grandparents in similar situations. The Grandfamilies & Kinship Support Network has a list of links to some of these groups.
Most importantly, they recommend continuing to care for your own needs. Since you’ve already been a parent once, you know how easy it is to let your own needs get shoved aside, and it’s more important than ever to focus on yourself as well.
For The Rest Of Us
What can the rest of us do?
If you know a grandparent raising their grandkids, appreciate their value and work. If you can offer to babysit to give them a break or buy them a dinner, go for it.
Also, it helps break the stigma. If you hear negative comments that perpetuate ugly stereotypes or hurtful notions, speak up. Over 2 million grandparents in the U.S. alone do this job, and while it’s certainly a privilege and a joy to have their grandbabies in their lives, it’s also a significant sacrifice and a true labor of love.
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