Raising kids is hard work, whether you’re a biological parent, an adoptive parent, or a step-parent. There are so many parenting experiences we have all shared, and the label doesn’t change much.
Every so often, someone—a stranger in a store, a public figure with a platform, or some self-appointed influencer—will declare that having stepkids but no biological offspring is the same as being childless or that stepparents aren’t really parents at all.
Time after time, people who are part of a stepfamily will tell their story and disprove all that negativity. Here are just a few things Redditors shared.
Not Every Stepfamily Is A Success Story
Several Redditors have shared tales of having multiple stepparents — both parents remarried, one remarried numerous times, or both. Many describe having one or more stepparents who didn’t make the grade and one who was amazing.
Blending families can be complicated, and some stepparents have expressed frustration at a biological parent sabotaging the relationship or feeling like nothing they could do was good enough.
The other stories counter this and show that stepparents can take on authentic and genuine parenting roles.
Sometimes, They Pull The Weight The Bio Parent Dropped
Many stepkids share that a biological parent dropped the ball, and a stepparent jumped in to exceed all expectations. One wrote:
“I’ve had various step dad’s (all of which I couldn’t stand) but I’ve had the same stepmom since I was about 9 or so. I’m 15 now and I’m very thankful she’s a part of my life because she’s really taken up my parents’ slack and has taught both me and my sister so much despite having already gone through raising her own sons….She’s always the one person I’ve depended on and one of the few consistent things in my life.”
Sometimes, They’re The Only Mom/Dad A Kid Has Ever Known
Stepparents get a bad rap overall, but some folks know a stepdad or stepmom as the person who stepped in when the biological parent wasn’t willing to step up or had already stepped out. One shared:
“I love him like crazy. Even though we’ve known him for only 2 years…he’s the dad my sister and I always wished for….Last year was [my sister’s and my] first time celebrating Father’s Day, as we never did, because our father isn’t involved in our lives. We decided to surprise our stepdad with presents. He didn’t know [and wasn’t] expecting anything from us as he’s only our stepfather, but broke down crying.”
Sometimes, There Isn’t Another Household
Many people have shared stories of the stepparent who took on the role not after a divorce but after a death. Sometimes, the stepparent isn’t splitting the role but taking the whole position. One Redditor shared:
“My biological dad died when I was young and my mom got remarried within a year. From a single guy with one kid to a married man with four kids, one of whom was disabled, my stepdad became my “second dad” when I grew up and realized the sacrifices and challenges he really went through to care for us (without a lot of help from my mom)… I really got it when I became a parent, myself.”
Sometimes, They Outshine The Bio Parent
Some stepparents come in and set new standards for their new kids. It doesn’t mean the bio parent isn’t loved or doesn’t contribute, but a stepparent may fill different roles, or the various parents may be important in different ways. One Redditor said:
“My step dad was amazing. He loved us as his own kids. A lot of people say that women look to their fathers as an example of what to look for in a spouse. I looked to my step dad. He was loving, kind and understanding but he also knew consistency was needed with kids.”
Sometimes, They Split The Role Nicely
In some families, remarriage means more parents to love and be loved by. Two parents who divorce can still both be loving, devoted parents and can be happy their child has more loving adults in their life. One stepchild said:
“My parents divorced when I was two and my mom has been with my stepdad as long as I can remember. My dad is still in my life, and I love him, but my step dad is still a great parent. He’s basically just a second dad…I’m lucky I grew up with basically 3 amazing parents and wouldn’t trade any of them for the world.”
Sometimes They’re The Ones Really Listening
All parents get some things right and others wrong. Sometimes, stepparents go the extra mile just because they know they have big shoes to fill. One stepkid shared this story:
He listened to our interests, and would actually remember them rather than fudge it. For example, my step-dad was like ‘”‘[name] likes classic rock, but reaaaaally likes Fleetwood Mac. Let’s get her their greatest hits album. She also likes to read funny fantasies, so let’s get her a book by Piers Anthony,” whereas my biological dad was like “She likes music. Let’s get her ALL THE SPICE GIRLS CDS! Oh, and a domino set in a case that she’s allergic to. The dominos are glittery, she’ll like that.”
Stepparenting Can Be Really Emotional
So many stories from stepparents and their stepkids include the moment when the stepparent was so happy to be accepted by a beloved child that they burst into tears. It can be a hard role, and there’s a lot of joy in feeling that the connection is there. One stepkid shared:
“We’d been living with him for a few months when, out of the blue, I turned to him and said ‘Dad? Can you get that [some object too high up for me to reach] for me?’ He says he cried later because nobody had asked me to call him that or even suggested I should, I just decided, ‘hey, this is my dad now.'”
The Name Question Comes Up A Lot
Another stepkid describes the “Can I call you Dad?” interaction happening at a wedding, for instance. In that story, too (as in so many), the new dad responds with emotional tears.
One stepdad also told his side of that experience, saying that during the dating period, the one hurdle with his stepdaughter-to-be was figuring out the name. Would he be called by his first name, or “Uncle [name],” or jump straight to “Dad?” He said:
“We all agreed that Dad was best and it has been all downhill since then – and of course by being ‘Dad’, I made sure that it didn’t impact their relationship with their ‘other Dad.’ Thirty-odd years on and it has worked well.”
Good Stepparents Know Genes Don’t Define Love
Hearts are bigger than a DNA strand, and some stepparents know it. Sometimes, they already have their own experience with family being broader than genetics. One stepdad put it this way:
“I have always told my children, ‘Just because I am not your father, doesn’t make you any less my children.’ I was never able to have offspring of my own, but my Grandpa grew up in an orphanage. He always said the best part of a family has nothing to do with blood.”
Different Kinds Of Families All Count
In any family, there can be devoted and involved adults and those who are less so.
There are stories from kids who say that their stepparent was just another adult in the house, not another parent, or who had a stepparent who contributed financially but wasn’t emotionally involved. We sometimes hear similar stories about biological parents.
Stepparents may also have different experiences depending on when they come into the child’s life. For instance, a stepparent who married into the family when the kids were teens or adults may have a different connection than one who joined in time to change diapers.
Nonetheless, the definition of a parent isn’t in biology but in love and connection.
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