Many of us who are parenting today grew up in generations where it was common to use hurtful and damaging parenting phrases, such as “children should be seen and not heard” or “boys don’t cry,” and others that meant, “Stop making your feelings my problem.”
As adults, we now understand that expressing our feelings is healthy, and we strive to raise our children on this philosophy.
Still, sometimes we see signs that our kids are hiding their real feelings and pretending to be ‘fine.’ Why do they do this, and what can we do to encourage them to find their emotional voice?
What Are The Signs Your Kid Is Putting Their Emotions On Mute?
Sometimes, you’re sure your child is feeling complicated emotions, but they’re not talking about them. Their demeanor has changed; they’re no longer interested in some of their favorite activities, or they’re avoiding conversation.
If you’re not sure, Parents advise watching for certain signs.
A child who is hiding his feelings might give brief, single-word answers to questions about his day, or may shrug, change the subject, or try to distract with silly behaviors. They might try to deflect with unserious responses or refuse to answer altogether.
Or, you might notice that your child is just giving the answers they believe you want to hear — school was great, kids are lovely, dinner was fine — while sticking to surface-level answers without any deep emotion.
Why Is My Child Hiding Their Emotions? (Is This My Fault?)
We should always be open to introspection about our kids’ behaviors, but that doesn’t mean you should jump straight to blaming yourself and beating yourself up. (Not to pile on the pressure, but remember, your child is watching how you treat yourself, and learning how to treat himself from you.)
An adult or adults in your child’s life may be making him feel guilty or unsafe for having unapproved emotions, like sadness, anger, and jealousy. That could be you, your partner, a teacher or school staff member, a babysitter, or virtually any adult who has influence and authority.
Or, it could be that your child is watching adults in his life suppress emotions, and following that modeling.
Your child may be getting these messages from someone other than the adults in their lives, too. It’s not uncommon for them to hear from their peers that certain emotions are unacceptable to express.
However, not all suppression of emotion comes from negative responses to expression. For example, Dayton Children’s notes that kids will sometimes hide emotions because it’s just easier than talking about uncomfortable feelings. (A lot of adults can empathize with that!)
Or, kids will hide emotions because they’ve (possibly subconsciously) learned that they can get their needs met more quickly in other ways — like misbehaving to be sent to a quieter part of the classroom.
Sometimes, kids don’t have the words to express their emotions, especially kids with (diagnosed or undiagnosed) learning differences like autism and ADHD.
Modeling How To Recognize & Communicate Emotions
Encouraging your child to understand their emotions is the first step.
You can do this through modeling, through discussion, and through games.
Think about the last time you were angry or frustrated in the same space as your child. What did you do? Did you try to hide your feelings, but end up snapping and growling? Did you separate yourself from your child so you wouldn’t subject them to your irritation?
It’s great to take a moment alone when you need it, but our kids also need to see us handling emotions.
They need to hear, “Hold on. Mommy is really frustrated right now because I can’t find the car keys. It’s making me feel hot and upset. I need a moment to get calm so that I can remember where I put them.”
This gives your child permission to feel their own emotions and a blueprint for handling them when they become overwhelming.
Making It A Game
It was three or four years ago that I stumbled across a card game called Mixed Emojis at Dollar Tree. It’s a deck of cards featuring emoji faces that express feelings such as ‘nervous,’ ‘frustrated,’ ‘scared,’ and ‘angry.’
I grabbed it because I thought it might be a filler for car trips or something, but as it happened, we went through some difficult situations around the same time, and I was surprised at how much it seemed to help my kids open up.
One of the games involves taking turns drawing a card and describing a time you felt that emotion. Another centers on trying to mimic the expression shown on a card.
You can make up similar games yourself with hand-drawn cards, or play an emotion-based version of Charades.
Many of our kids’ favorite shows also encourage them to understand emotions, especially shows like Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood, Sesame Street, and Doc McStuffins.
Creating A Safe Place For Your Child’s Emotions
Your child needs to know that they can say that they’re sad, hurt, angry, or frustrated — even if they’re angry or frustrated at you — and that they can say it safely.
If you or another adult has (knowingly or otherwise) given them the opposite message in the past, you can still turn that around.
Assure your child that it’s okay to have feelings, even when they’re typically deemed ‘negative’ or hurtful. Yes, it might hurt you to hear that your child is angry at you, but you still want them to be honest about their feelings so you can work it out together.
If necessary, set up a no-judgment zone. Explain to your child that when you sit together on this specific rug or the couch, you’re in a safe zone, and they can express anything they want or feel.
The hard part: you’re going to have to stand by this. So, if your kid says he’s mad because you made him go to bed, you’ll have to stay calm while you acknowledge and validate the feeling. Remember, your reaction now determines whether he feels safe to share feelings again!
This doesn’t mean you have to stop setting rules and boundaries; however, it does mean that you should be mindful of how you approach them. You can teach your child that the feelings are valid, even if the rule has to stay in place.
Let Your Child Have Space To Evaluate Those Emotions
Remember, just because you want your child to feel that he can safely open up to you about his feelings doesn’t mean that he’s obligated to report every emotion as he feels it.
Sometimes, just like an adult, a child may need some time to sit with an emotion and feel it before they’re ready to discuss. If your child seems hesitant to start talking, and you’re confident that they’re safe, then let them know you’ll be prepared to listen when they want to have a conversation.
Also, make sure that you’re listening to hear, not just to answer or offer solutions! Sometimes, an emotion needs to be heard, not fixed or ended!