Grandparents can find themselves shocked and surprised at the differences in how their generation raised kids, and how their kids are parenting in turn. Among other things, language norms have changed rapidly, so that things that were once common casual comments are now off-limits, and some topics that were once shameful, like mental health, are now discussed freely.
While it can be hard to adapt to these changes, psychologists and mental health experts advise eliminating some once-common phrases from your vocabulary, because of the long-term damage they can cause as children grow.
“Have you gained weight?” and “You’re getting big!”
Some of the most critical comments to avoid are about how your grandchild is growing in the physical sense. Today, you should be as reticent about addressing body type, size, and weight gain as you once were about discussing pregnancy and childbirth.
Kids are already conscious enough—and self-conscious enough—about their bodies. Comments about weight gain or even height that haven’t been invited should be avoided.
“You ate enough for a grown man!” and “Clean your plate!”
For most growing children, the healthiest amount to eat is the amount that feels right to them. Drawing excess attention to eating habits can break this balance, resulting in a child paying too much attention to how much he eats and not enough to how his body feels about what he’s eaten.
These comments can often be intended in the most positive ways, especially when they highlight that a child isn’t wasting food or that he’s growing. Still, they can be a factor in developing eating disorders. One pediatric psychologist, according to Buzzfeed, said that she “constantly” hears from her patients that comments like these replay in their heads over and over, making it harder to make healthy choices about eating.
If you can afford it, a better way to help your grandchild is to provide a variety of nutritious options. Sadly, many families are going into debt over groceries these days.
“Your parents are getting this wrong.”
Okay, we all parent differently, and it’s never correct (barring an actual danger, and then it should be done appropriately, through the adults) to announce that someone else’s way is “wrong.”
When they’re ready, kids will learn that rules at Grandma’s house, rules at school, rules at play group, and rules at home can all be different and that it doesn’t mean any are “wrong,” but when you start out by declaring that the parents are wrong, it undermines their authority.
It can even make kids question their safety or put safety at actual risk. After all, if Dad can be wrong about whether a snack before supper will hurt anything and screen time limits, he can be mistaken about monsters under the bed or helmets for bike riding.
“Don’t tell your parents!”
Kids will keep secrets from their parents at some point, almost without exception. However, one thing we teach them when they’re small is that other people should not influence them to do so.
Yes, it’s incredibly innocent when you don’t want them to tell their parents about the extra cookie or that you accidentally said the s-word when you stubbed your toe. Other people in their lives might use “don’t tell” to cover up far less innocent behaviors, though. You do not want to be the person who taught your beloved grandkids that it was okay for adults to keep “secrets” with children.
“You’d better give me a hug.” “Don’t you love me?”
There’s nothing better than hugs from your precious babies or grandbabies. Oh, wait. One better thing is for them to have a sense of safety and control of their bodies.
This is similar to why teaching kids to keep secrets from you is not good. Yes, your intentions are innocent. You don’t plan to hurt your sweet grandbabies. However, other adults may also demand physical affection from them, whose intentions are not so sweet.
You have an opportunity to help teach your grandkids that when an adult demands a physical display of affection, they can refuse and do so safely. You can show them that safe adults will not make those demands.
Remember, the best hugs are the ones freely and joyfully given.
“This way was good enough in my day.” “I used this method with your mother, and she survived.”
Over the past several decades, our understanding of safe practices has changed significantly, from feeding to sleeping to fever treatment. Parenting laid out a few outdated practices that grandparents have tried to recycle, like ice baths for fever or putting a newborn on his stomach to sleep.
Yes, your children survived these choices, but others did not. Yes, these were once actually recommended, but now we know additional dangers (like hypothermia from ice baths and SIDS or crib death from stomach sleeping) of these practices.
When your babies were small, you did the best you could for them with the best information available at the time, but that information has changed. Now, you should want to do the best you can for your grandbabies with the best information available.
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