We’ve all been there.
Your child is having a complete meltdown and has exhibited behavior that is completely unacceptable. Maybe it was destructive behavior, like throwing a toy, or a harmful action, like hitting their sibling, or something self-endangering, like banging their head or hitting themselves.
You really empathize because you’ve had moments when you feel like doing those things, and you absolutely understand the emotional upheaval. However, you also know you must teach your child that this behavior isn’t allowed, so what do you do?
First, Take A Breath
It’s okay to be overwhelmed. If you want to teach your child that having emotions is okay, allowing yourself to have them is a good place to start!
We’re always learning more about the best practices in parenting, and that means even those of us with pretty excellent parents may still have some generational trauma, or some experiences that we don’t want to pass on. When we see our babies in tough places, it can trigger that trauma, and we have to take a big step away from it before we can address their needs.
Now, Listen To Your Child’s Feelings
You may have to help your child become calm enough to express these big feelings.
This could mean saying, “Mommy wants to help, but I can’t understand what you’re saying.” The two important things here are for your child to know you’re listening and to be encouraged to communicate their problem in a way you can understand.
Encourage your child to take some deep, calming breaths and then to tell you what has gone wrong, with the assurance that you are there to help.
Then, honestly and openly listen, without interrupting, even if you disagree with their version of events or don’t like how they’re expressing it.
State The Emotion Back To Them
Maybe what your child said wasn’t “I’m feeling sad,” or “I’m feeling scared,” but “I want to watch Bluey and my brother is playing a game on the TV so I can’t!” or “You won’t let me have a cookie!” or “I heard loud thunder!”
You’ll have to decode the emotion and offer it to them. Sometimes this may be difficult, but remember, you’re teaching your child to identify their emotions!
“So what I’m hearing is that you’re feeling sad and disappointed, because you walked into the living room thinking you were going to watch TV, but found your brother already using it.”
Let your child confirm their emotional state, and listen to any other feelings they want to share.
Validate The Emotion
You can agree that the emotion is valid.
Maybe you say, “Yes, it’s disappointing when you want a cookie and can’t have one,” or “It is so frustrating when you make plans and someone else is already there,” or “Loud sounds like thunder can be scary, especially when we’re not expecting them!”
Maybe you tell your child, “Yes, it’s okay to feel angry when things don’t go the way we want,” or “I know anger can feel hot and heavy and upsetting, and it makes you want to do something big and loud, like yelling or throwing.”
Whatever you say should acknowledge and support the emotion, and their right to feel it.
Address The Behavior
Even though the emotion is valid, the behavior is not. Tell your child this limit clearly and firmly.
“You are not allowed to throw shoes,” or “It’s okay to be angry, but it is not okay to hit,” or “I cannot allow you to bite your siblings.”
You may choose to offer alternative ways to deal with the emotion in question.
Maybe you suggest your child talk to their sibling about having the next turn, seeking you out for mediation or cuddles, or finding a different activity.
The emphasis should be threefold: the emotion is valid, the behavior is not allowed, and there are acceptable ways to address the situation.
Provide Redirection & Support
Now it’s time to find a solution to the problem.
Your child can’t have a cookie before supper, but could she have a strawberry or two or a few crackers that won’t fill her up but will make her feel less drastically hungry? Or, if you’re sure she wants a cookie for reasons other than hunger, can you help her find an activity to keep her occupied until supper? Maybe that even means asking her for help with cooking.
She can’t hit her brother when she thinks he’s monopolizing the TV, but she can ask when his turn will end, play with her Bluey toys instead of watching the show, color, or enjoy another activity while she waits for her turn.
This is also a good time for hugs and cuddles, reassuring your kid that they are loved and their expression is appreciated!
Decompress & Prepare To Repeat
If this interaction was emotionally exhausting for you, that’s okay. You may be choosing to parent your babies differently from how you were parented, which can evoke strong emotions.
Take a moment to feel those emotions, and give yourself the same gift you just gave your child: validation.
Know that you will be doing this again and again, but you are teaching your children emotional regulation skills that they will take into adulthood. I look forward to watching them use these skills on their own!