Who knew that people had such strong feelings about other parents shouldering a small burden for their children? I sure didn’t.
In fact, I was stunned to start searching and learn that many people think we’re doing serious damage to our children by just carrying a bag for them at the end of a long day. I read more since surely there must be a good reason for such strong feelings!
As far as I can tell, there really isn’t.
How Did I Stumble Across This Parenting Rule?
Apparently, for a lot of people, “never carry your child’s backpack” is a serious rule of parenting. I had no idea.
I was reading parenting forums on Reddit, as I often do, and there was some discussion of some child’s negative behavioral trait. I don’t even remember what behavior it was now, but someone in the comments declared that this is all caused by parents carrying children’s backpacks for them.
Hey, Reddit is a place of hot takes and wild notions, so I just rolled my eyes and kept scrolling, but people agreed! The consensus was that it makes children entitled, lazy, and irresponsible.
Naturally, I did some more searching, and sure enough, there are blog posts and opinion articles out there detailing this same opinion!
Introspection Time
Every day after school, I hug my son, take his coat and backpack, and ask him about his day. Now, I had to stop and consider this. After all, I believe in updating my practices when I gain new information, so I wondered: am I hurting my child?
I started searching for evidence-based information about carrying a child’s backpack. Is there a study that says I’m destroying my 9-year-old son’s future by lightening his load for our (approximately half-mile) walk home daily?
If there is, I couldn’t find it — just tons of opinions.
I gave it a week’s thought, observing my son more closely in the afternoon, and came to my conclusion: I’m going to keep carrying his bag.
Entitled, Lazy, And Irresponsible
A blog post on The Urban Daddy from 2019 tells me this is part of a slippery slope.
According to this parent’s views, my son’s backpack will get heavier, and he will still want me to carry it. He will also want me to take over his household chores, like clearing the table.
An educator on It’s Your Turn shared similar feelings in 2018. She said that when we carry our kids’ backpacks, we rob them of an opportunity to “practice skills that will support their ability to regulate and manage their feelings.”
She says that taking this task off my child’s shoulders (literally) denies him practice in being responsible for his belongings, and the awareness that his possessions are his responsibility.
One Moment In A Long Day
I disagree with the above because a backpack on the walk home is one moment in an entire day.
My child is responsible for many things throughout his day, including that backpack. He carries it up two flights of stairs to his classroom, taking out the assorted items and putting them where they go. At home, he has his electronics, toys, books, clothes, and other belongings to keep up with. He’s responsible for keeping his room straight, and he is responsible for the living room once a week, among other chores.
Regarding his backpack, he still has to open it at home and handle homework, make sure I get any permission slips, and return his folder and other necessities to it before the end of the evening.
If lugging his backpack was the only responsibility this nine-year-old child had, that would be different. Maybe it looks that way to people on the outside, who only see one interaction between child and parent the whole day, but it’s not reality.
Entitled To What, Being Cared For?
This is the most bizarre argument to me.
Will my child become entitled? Do kids who misbehave or have tantrums or are (or seem to outsiders) ‘entitled’ become that way because they don’t have to carry a backpack?
In what universe does this make sense?
To me, entitlement—as a behavioral problem, at least—would refer to a child who thought he should be allowed to take other children’s belongings, not let others have turns on a shared piece of playground equipment, or who otherwise thought their wants outweighed other kids’ needs and rights.
But our kids are entitled to at least two things: to be cared for and to be loved.
In my mind, carrying a backpack for my child is similar to cooking for him, doing his laundry, and making sure he has clothing that fits. It’s a care task.
My child can prepare some foods for himself and is certainly capable of pouring laundry detergent and pushing the washer button. One day, he will do those things for himself daily. In the meantime, I’m his caregiver. I teach him these skills, but don’t require him to be his own care provider.
Evidence-Based Focus
Remember how I mentioned that I was searching for any studies or other hard evidence that carrying a backpack was healthier for a child than passing it to his parent?
I didn’t find any, but I found a ton of evidence that backpacks are potentially harmful. For instance, the Bone & Joint Center specialists have an information page telling parents how to reduce the damage backpack-carrying does to their kids’ spines.
A meta-analysis published in the International Journal of Environmental Research & Public Health found that many students’ heavy bags are doing damage:
“Students carried on average over 15% of their own body weight, which caused biomechanical and physiological adaptations that could increase musculoskeletal injury risk, fatigue, redness, swelling and discomfort.”
Without using a scale, I say with fairly high confidence that my son’s backpack isn’t 15% or greater of his body weight, and I’m not concerned that it’s harming him. If I were, I’d still be worried, since he has to carry it upstairs at school every day.
However, it stands out that so many people think helping him is harmful, while medical science only seems to find harm in letting him carry it himself (at least, under certain circumstances).
Will This Never End?
I won’t be doing it forever. If he continues to attend public school, he won’t be walking any more as of middle school—which means that he won’t be carrying his backpack a half mile then, either. He’ll just carry it from the car or bus to the building and back again. (Rules could change over the next few years, but as they stand, kids aren’t allowed to carry backpacks around the building, either.)
High school will be the same.
I asked my son about this one day this week, while it was on my mind.
I asked if he’d let me get out of the car and carry his backpack to the school building when he’s in middle school.
He cracked up and assured me that it would be embarrassing and he’d never allow it.
Why Do I Carry It?
I like the physical, literal, and metaphorical act of taking a burden off my child’s shoulders at the end of the day.
I like knowing that while he carries the burden of studying for the math test, practicing contextual reading ahead of the EOGs, dealing with interpersonal conflicts, and growing and learning, there is one small weight I can take for him.
It’s a small moment in the afternoon when my tired, overstimulated, hungry child takes off a hot, uncomfortable weight, and lets me take it for him.
And you know, I love this child. I chose for this child to exist and care about his joy and experience.
You know what?
I won’t carry his backpack in high school (barring some physical need, which reminds me that I haven’t mentioned how ableist these hot takes are) but even when he’s an adult, I hope that he still knows I’ll take a burden from him if I’m able and if he needs it.
Isn’t that what moms do?