Most dads we know leapt into fatherhood with love and devotion. Still, there are certainly those who didn’t put in quite the same amount of effort. Even the best fathers, though, will make mistakes — parenting is confusing!
When it comes to parenting daughters, there’s an entire additional genre of hurdles for dads, and some of their daughters have turned to Reddit to share the things they wish their fathers had known about raising a girl.
Here’s their advice.
Don’t Withdraw Affection
It’s sad how many women described their dads as being affectionate and loving right up until their daughters hit puberty.
One explained that her dad’s sisters had been treated inappropriately, and out of fear, he had overcorrected, never even giving hugs. Another said that once she became a preteen, her dad refused hugs and made snide remarks about any expression of love, even in greeting cards.
Some dads have chimed in to express that their daughters pull away from hugs during the awkward body-shifting phase, and women have responded to assure them that respecting that is great but asking them to be on the lookout for when hugs will be welcomed again.
Treat Daughters Equally With Sons
Some women say their dads fully checked out on them while only paying attention to their brothers. Others describe less extreme differences in treatment but are still hurtful. One described this error as “treating sons like gold and daughters like silver.”
They’re asking dads to be just as willing to play with dolls as cars and to involve their daughters as their sons in fixing the truck, hanging light fixtures, going fishing, and any other hobbies and tasks.
Be Present And Involved
Several women cited viral videos in which daughters ask their dads basic questions about themselves, like favorite food, favorite TV show, and even eye color, and the dads get it all hopelessly wrong. (One current iteration involves asking both parents but giving the dad the answers in advance. In some cases, the dads still mess it up!)
Though the videos are produced as humor, several women agreed they make the dads look “like neglectful parents who leave everything to their spouse.” An emergency room worker even chimed in to note the frustration when dads bring their kids in and can’t give any information—sometimes even birthdays or the reason for the visit!
Another woman shared the story of an incident in which her mom had to work, so her father was sent, with a camcorder in hand, to record the school recital. He filmed the wrong kid.
So, dads, pay attention to your daughters’ lives, please.
Teach, Don’t Screech
There seems to be a pattern in which too many dads catch their child making a mistake, and instead of explaining the correct behavior, they immediately start scolding.
One described the time when she was still so young she had to stand on a chair to reach the counter and put metal in the microwave. Dad could have stopped her and explained. Instead, she says, “He SCREAMED at me for several minutes about how stupid I was and how he couldn’t believe I would do something SO INCREDIBLY DUMB, and was I trying to start a fire?”
She says she learned two lessons that day. The first was not to put metal in a microwave, and the other was, “Don’t do anything wrong in front of Daddy.”
Listen To Your Child!
This relates to the ‘be involved’ tip but gets a bit more specific. Women describe telling their dads about their lives, and the dad is so uninterested that he doesn’t hear a word.
These dads don’t know what sport their daughter plays or who her teammates or best friends are, and they don’t hear when their daughters explain their choices or plans.
By contrast, one woman described her friend’s amazing relationship with her dad, who she says “always makes time just to talk to his daughter.” She even ended up learning “so much about baking” without any personal interest in it because he listened to his daughter talk about her own interests.
Don’t Be Your Child’s First Bully
So many women describe their dads mocking them for having emotions. They share experiences like hearing their dad say, “Here come the waterworks,” when they start to cry or even mocking their upset voices back to them. Others tell stories of dads who blamed hormones when their daughters were unhappy, regardless of the actual cause.
There are also women sharing stories about their dads deliberately doing things to upset them because, for some reason, it was amusing to see a small child have big emotions. In one case, a woman says that despite her dad knowing she was autistic and had sensory struggles, he would sing at her in a high-pitched voice he knew would lead to crying.
Feelings Are For Expressing
On a related note, please don’t shut down your daughters (or sons!) when they are expressing feelings. Instead, talk to them about the incident that caused the upset, their feelings, and (when appropriate) what solutions can be sought.
One Redditor shared, “My parents even told me not to show any negative feelings because it would kill them from the stress. If I cried, I would get punished for it.”
She says that it took her long into adulthood to learn to cope with emotions and that she was eventually diagnosed with depression.
Model Respect For Women
Remember that your daughter will build her model of how she should expect to be treated based on how you treat her and how she sees you treat other women.
Several women described being hurt by incidents such as dad suggesting a woman had only been placed on a mechanic crew as “eye candy,” expressing doubt about the skills and intelligence of women, or saying their vote in the 2016 election was influenced by a belief that “women can’t lead.”
Women shared that these kinds of comments hurt girls’ self-image and lower their expectations for themselves and treatment from men in their lives.
Take “NO” For An Answer
If another man touches her in a way she doesn’t like, you want her to say “No” and expect to be obeyed. You want her to believe she can refuse and isn’t obligated to accept unwanted touch.
Therefore, you need to model that for her. If you’re tickling, hugging, petting, or touching her in any way and she says “no” or “stop it, Daddy” or “I don’t like that,” you need to back off immediately and let her know how proud you are that she spoke up for herself. She needs to see men respect her “no” now, or she may struggle to expect it in the future.
Control Your Temper
One thing women said they wished their dads had done better was controlling tempers. They talked about being afraid when their father would slam doors and hit things when upset or scream in rage when their children cried.
A woman described the behavior as “us[ing] your size and voice to win arguments” and explained that it’s scary and damages a child’s self-esteem.
Another shared, “People always get a kick out of how jumpy I am (easily startled), but it’s reflexive from anticipating loud bangs/crashing that would come out of nowhere every day.”
Handle Dating Maturely & Appropriately
No cleaning the shotgun when he comes to the house. There were no threats to his life for bringing her home late. No violence or threats at all.
One daughter after another shared that this behavior didn’t protect her. Instead, it taught her to keep boyfriends and dates secret. One said this created a predicament because when she did get abused by a date, she couldn’t tell her dad, or she’d have to confess that she lied, and also risk her dad landing in prison, making things much worse.
“His overprotectiveness actually put me in more danger because I was terrified of his reaction,” she explained.
Heap On The Love
Let your daughter know that she’s beautiful, that she’s smart, that she’s funny, that she’s capable. Tell her you’re proud of her accomplishments. Tell her she is an important person.
Tell her these things when she does well, and when she doesn’t. When she gets a good grade tell her that you are proud of her, and when she gets a bad grade tell her that she is still a valuable person and that you’re still proud of her efforts. Encourage her.
One woman said, “I only hear from his friends and associates that he’s so proud of me, never from him….all I want is to be told I am enough.”
Don’t Body-Shame
On a related note, don’t hurt your daughters’ self-esteem by body-shaming. Don’t make negative comments about her weight, don’t make fun of her makeup, or make what you think are hilarious comments about body hair.
Generally, don’t be insulting or cruel. Don’t make her feel shame for having legs or for her body developing. Don’t teach her (directly or implicitly) that by simply having a body, she has become public property for physical and verbal assaults.
Get Used To Menstruation
By the way, menstruation and periods are part of her body now. Period-shaming hurts. Please don’t give her the impression that having a period is a reason to be ostracized or mocked.
Many women describe their dads making ‘jokes’ about how they must be on their periods if they’re showing emotions. Others describe dads refusing to buy menstrual products. One even said that at age 11, her father would make her go to a separate register while he paid for the rest of the groceries at the other end of the store!
Others describe fathers, and later boyfriends or husbands, who are happy to pick up necessary products. They will stand in the aisle and text pictures to make sure they’re getting the correct item (I promise, women are not denying that there’s so much variety that finding the correct item can be difficult).
Be the second type, please.
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