If you’re on social media, you’ve seen the memes about co-parenting peacefully. There are these great pics of mom and dad and stepmom and stepdad all hanging out together at the baseball game, cheering on the child that all four of them love. It’s beautiful, and every child absolutely deserves to have all of his adults putting him first, no matter how they feel about each other.
In practice, though, sometimes it’s not possible to make it look like that. Sometimes, the reason the parents aren’t together may just be incompatibility, and sometimes it’s something more serious. When the other parent is verbally and emotionally abusive, for example, it can just be impossible to live the best life you see others putting forward.
So, as a parent, you’re trying to live the best life available for you and your child, not someone else’s story, and maybe in your life, that includes dealing with an ex who would rather hurt you, even if the kid gets hurt too, than put their own child first.
Meet The Expert
Leah Marie Mazur is a Divorce Recovery Coach, and there are several aspects to this, like helping a client heal and move on from the divorce and the attached trauma. Part of her job, though, is helping clients learn to co-parent, even if the other parent is less than cooperative.
She shares some of her advice and guidance through a TikTok account called mindfullyready. In her latest, she specifically addresses co-parenting with a liar — even if you’re the subject of the lies.
No Tug Of War
The biggest thing that Coach Leah emphasizes is that when you realize your ex is using your child as a weapon, your job is to not fire back. Sure, your ex is putting the kid in the middle of things — but if you respond, you’re putting her there too, and then your sweet baby becomes the rope in a tug-of-war.
She doesn’t say you should never correct false information, but she suggests that your primary method of doing so should be to show, not tell.
Suffering Slander
One specific example she offers is an ex falsely claiming to the child that the other parent is an alcoholic. That’s potentially a very damaging allegation, and in a separate video, Coach Leah does address more general actions that you should take if an ex is working to destroy your reputation, up to and including defamation cases if called for, but that’s not for your kids.
With your kids, Leah says your job is to live your life and show them who you are.
“Just live. Show them how you live,” she says, “And they will see for themselves. They’ll start drawing their own conclusions. And one day, your kids are gonna be old enough to tart seeing right through [the other parent’s] bulls**t.” The hardest part is being patient until that happens.”
Setting Boundaries (And An Example)
There’s far more to co-parenting with a lying ex than simply ignoring the lies and letting your kid see the truth, and in other videos, Leah covers more important lessons and tips.
One of the most important things to remember, though, she includes in another recent video. She addresses co-parenting with a narcissist, and the “fawn” response that a longtime victim may feel compelled to display.
She warns that if you’re bending over backwards to make things easier for the ex in hopes that eventually he’ll soften up and be nice, you’re making a mistake. She reminds followers that narcissists do not change, and you aren’t going to be the one who turns that around.
Instead, she reminds us all, it’s very important to set boundaries, not only for your own well-being, but because your children are learning from what you do, and you want them to grow into adults who know how to set boundaries and protect themselves.
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