It’s the most magical time of year. Unless, of course, you are a parent doing Elf On The Shelf. Suddenly, instead of roasting chestnuts on an open fire or partaking in other holiday cheer, you are stuck with nightly homework to move an inanimate object around.
Understandably, many parents are just tired. They might keep up the yearly tradition for their kiddos, but on the inside their thoughts aren’t as sweet. We scoured the internet to find the most savage (and hilarious) tweets from parents who wish they were done with Elf On The Shelf.
Some Unconventional Elf On The Shelf Placement Ideas
One father shared some truly creative Elf On The Shelf placement ideas. In fact, I think the bottom of the trash, an active fire, and a buried in the backyard might be the most, um, unique suggestions I’ve ever seen.
Of course, these tips are not approved by Pinterest. Maybe before you do suggestions #1-3, you do #4 and avoid buying one altogether.
Dear Santa, I Just Want One Thing For Christmas…
All this parent wants for Christmas is for Santa to take the Elf On The Shelf far, far away. They don’t care if it’s the North Pole or Bermuda- so long as its not their house.
Think Santa will help? Probably not, after all, rumor has it the Elf is his man on the inside.
Is December The Longest Month Of The Year?
December might have 31 days, like six other months. However, when you are forced to find something creative to do with a stuffed doll every night, it feels like the longest.
Hopefully, desperation doesn’t have this dad placing his much-despised elf at the bottom of the trash, as suggested in tweet 1. Stay strong. January will be here soon, and you can put it in a box for a long time.
RIP Jinglebell The Elf
It wasn’t even December, and this parent was busy plotting the demise of their family’s Elf On The Shelf. Why would she do such an outrageous gesture?
Maybe it was having to spend 24 days moving him around and pretending to be surprised every morning. Perhaps it was cleaning up flour, Elf angels, and other messages in addition to the million other messes parents clean up on daily. Maybe it was just his creepy little face. We don’t know what straw broke the camel’s back. All we can say is Jinglebell probably had it coming.
Kid’s First Dystopia
The Christmas season often involves giving. Why better way to expose your child to the idea of constant surveillance and repression than an Elf On The Shelf?
I suppose it isn’t too far off. After all, Santa Clause “knows if you’ve been sleeping. He knows if you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.”
CHRISTMAS IS RUINED
Elf On The Shelf isn’t just a mischievous little fae that goes around your house getting up to hijinx. Elf On The Shelf has rules. A big one? Don’t touch the Elf, or they will kill the magic.
This poor poster found out the hard way when one of their kids touched their Elf. Oops, one moment of lapsed impulse control is all it took. Fun.
And The Elf Never Came Back
“Sorry kids, the Elf On The Shelf went out for a pack of smokes. I haven’t seen him since.”
This mom probably didn’t have their kids’ Elf pull a runaway Joe. However, could you blame them for wanting to just a little?
There Is Smart And There Is Smart
All parents think their kids are wonderful and amazing in various ways. This parent acknowledges that her kids are smart, but not smart enough to recognize that their Elf On The Shelf is just an inanimate object.
Maybe there’s a difference between street smarts and book smarts. This parent probably had this unflattering thought at 6 a.m. while they hurriedly searched Pinterest for “quick Elf On The Shelf ideas.”
“4:30 Am Me Hates You”
All parents know that sleep interruptions come with the job. Kids get sick. Kids get scared. The tiny humans you live with might need you during the night for many reasons. That’s what coffee is for.
One reason you weren’t prepared for? Being up before dawn to move that blasted Elf. Sometimes Folgers just isn’t enough to make up for the indignity of wrapping a doll in toilet paper instead of sleeping peacefully.
The Elf Is Scaring The Wrong People
Elf On The Shelf is Santa’s secret helper. He watches kids all December and gives Santa a nightly behavior report. The implication is kids better watch out, or they’ll end up on the dreaded naughty list. Yet, it’s parents who are living in fear of forgetting their nightly December homework.
Coal in the stocking is pretty bad. You know what’s worse? Trying to get a distraught five-year-old dressed for school because you didn’t move an inanimate object.
Elf On The Shelf Doesn’t Have A Key
You may be reading this list and going, “Well, that’s why I don’t do Elf On The Shelf.” If only it were that easy.
As this author found out, kids talk. And they definitely talk about magical creatures who visit their house and do funny things. This dad has to think fast on his feet to explain why he chose sanity over Elf life.
Is This The Purpose Of Life?
Before kids, they worried about the purpose of life. Now, they know their purpose is to move the elf every. single. night until Christmas.
Perhaps the real meaning of Elf On The Shelf isn’t to spread cheer or inspire good behavior. Maybe the real reason is to give parents a break from existential crises in favor of manufactured ones.
The Elf Reflects Its Owner
This parent isn’t doing it for the ‘gram or trying to be a perfect Pinterest mom. No, they simply do the bare minimum they can get away with.
This unmotivated Elf lounges around the house, unbothered by his Elf duties. When does he get moved? Probably when her kids ask nervously if the Elf is just sleeping.
“We Don’t Hate Ourselves”
Yet, another parent who thought they were safe from Elf On The Shelf. Fortunately, when their 5-year-old asked, they had a pragmatic answer.
Elf On The Shelf is something you do for your kid. However, it’s also something you do to yourself. This parent broke that down ruthlessly.
A Christmas Miracle
Many a parent has forgotten that doll they casually bought from Barnes And Noble was a multi year commitment. Fortunately for this mom, at 3am they remembered their yearly Elf obligation.
No doubt their elf was limply tossed on a table with a note in the Elf’s handwriting that looked suspiciously like mom’s. At least mom didn’t have to make up a vacation or some other whacky excuse to explain a late arrival.
Parenting Goals
You may have a new parenting goal after reading (and chuckling) about some of these parents’ experiences. This new mom has vowed never to have an Elf On The Shelf enter their home.
Of course, for many of you, it may be too late. You already have an “as long as my kid believes” Elf-sized commitment. To that, I ask, have you moved your Elf yet?