Most of us, as parents, have had a moment (or a lot of them) when we just wanted to stop the kid from having a full-fledged tantrum or meltdown.
Sometimes, cutting that off with a shortcut is tempting, like telling your kid Santa Claus is listening or distracting him from whatever he’s upset about. The sudden growth of AI programs has also provided another sneaky new trick that some parents are touting as the secret to preventing your child’s most exhausting and frustrating emotional responses.
A clinical psychologist is warning parents not to take the bait.
Is Lying To Kids Ever The Best Parenting Choice?
We’ve heard so many different ways that parents pass the buck and tell their kids a lie to sidestep a reaction.
Maybe they claim that the playground is closed or under repair on a day when they don’t feel like going, or they say that the Halloween candy is all gone when they mean that their child has already had too much for one day. I’ve seen one ‘parenting hack’ that recommends using the sleep timer on the television and telling kids that the batteries are dead and the machine must charge overnight to be usable again!
Parents will have varying opinions on whether lying to their child is ever okay, but experts tend to recommend doing so very rarely or avoiding it altogether.
The ChatGPT Trick That One Psychologist Says Is Just A Lie
In this ‘parenting hack,’ the parent has an AI app do the lying for them.
The example given was a child demanding his preferred food item, macaroni and cheese. Since the parent does not want to go to the store and purchase this particular product, there’s a conundrum: telling the child ‘no’ will result in an emotional upset, but giving in is off the table.
Instead, the parent opens their favorite AI program and types a request. That might look like:
“I’m going to open voice mode and pretend to call the store. I need you to respond as the store and say that you’re closed and don’t have any macaroni and cheese.”
The parent proceeds to use the app to convince their child that macaroni and cheese is not an option today and pass the blame on to the store.
“Worst Parenting Hack Ever,” Says Child Psychologist
In an opinion piece for Psychology Today, Robyn Koslowitz Ph.D., a clinical child psychologist, says this is “a really bad idea,” even though it might be effective for avoiding meltdowns.
She boils this down to two reasons.
The first is that lying to your kids damages the parent-child relationship. The second is that meltdowns are, she says, “a feature, not a bug” in child development.
She says parents create a missed opportunity when they lie to their kids to avoid a meltdown. Instead, she recommends speaking honestly to your child, acknowledging that they’re upset and that being upset is okay.
Not having a beloved food item is uncomfortable as a child, and dealing with meltdowns is uncomfortable as a parent. Koslowitz explains:
“But you know how we said we want to teach them that discomfort isn’t dangerous? We first need to know that ourselves. Our own discomfort isn’t dangerous either.”
Dr. Koslowitz offers further parenting advice in her 12-week parenting class, and via her podcast, Post-Traumatic Parenting.
The Two Types Of Parental Lies — And Which Ones Kids Believe
Most parents have lied to their kids at some point to keep them calm or to obtain compliance. According to Newsweek, one study found that 84% of parents admitted that they had lied to their kids to control their behavior and maintain control.
Unfortunately, researchers also found that it backfires when kids initially believe these stories and later learn that they’re untrue.
One thing the study uncovered is that kids tend not to believe “white lies,” such as telling your child that their artistic skills have improved when they haven’t, but do believe what the study termed “instrumental lies.”
Those are lies intended to induce a desired behavior and may be distortions of how the world really works. Examples include telling your child that the TV doesn’t work after 10 p.m., that it’s illegal to jump in puddles, or that the store is sold out of mac and cheese.
Maybe kids believe these more because they rely on their parents’ experience and knowledge for a basic understanding of societal norms, or maybe it’s because they’ve already seen the world behave in ways that seem scary to them. Whatever the reason, when parents tell them they’ll be arrested for hitting their sister, kids tend to believe them.
How Does Lying To Our Kids Backfire?
The end result is that kids eventually figure out that some of these things aren’t true.
Eventually, they realize that this isn’t how stores work, that there are multiple stores in the area, and that if their parents want a food item, one store being sold out doesn’t prevent them from having it. Then, they conclude whether their parents are trustworthy.
They also conclude what behavior is acceptable. If Mom and Dad can lie about store hours and playground shutdowns, Junior concludes, it’s also alright for him to lie about whether he’s finished his homework, who left dirty dishes in the sink, and when he last walked his dog.
Researchers found that children whose parents used lies as a behavioral control tactic lied to their parents more frequently.
So, What Should We Do Instead?
It’s okay to tell your child that macaroni and cheese isn’t an option tonight and to be honest about the reason, even if the reason is that you’ve made it five times this week and are not willing to keep making the same dish.
It’s also okay to give them honest information but not overwhelm them with too many details.
You can say, “We’re not having macaroni and cheese tonight. You can choose between mashed potatoes and french fries, though.”
Then, let them have feelings. They can be sad about missing their favorite food, and you can hug them and empathize, and none of that means that you are now obligated to feed them a sixth meal of macaroni and cheese.
As Dr. Koslowitz explained, feeling disappointment and learning to regulate one’s response to it is also an important part of child development and doesn’t happen without some experience.