When our kids get minor scrapes and bruises, it can be hard to know how to react. There’s an impulse to reassure them. After all, as adults, we know that a scraped elbow isn’t so bad and that he’ll forget about the bumped knee in ten minutes (faster if something interesting distracts him).
It turns out that validating their pain, however minor it seems, is a better strategy than dismissing or minimizing it.
NOTE: This is general information and does not supersede a doctor’s advice.
When Our Kids Are Hurt, We Leap To Reassure Them
For adults, reassurance might mean addressing the long-term implications. It might mean assuring someone that their injury isn’t life-threatening or permanent, or in more severe cases, that medical help is on the way.
Kids live in the present moment, though, and rely on their parents for a reliable interpretation of the world around them. That means they need parents to acknowledge what they are experiencing and help them understand it rather than focus on how quickly it will pass.
Recent Research Confirms That The First Thing Kids Need Is Affirmation
For minor injuries, kids need their parents to acknowledge and recognize that they, indeed, are in pain.
The first response should be less like, “Aww, you’re fine; that’s just a little scrape,” and more like, “Oh, I see that scrape. I know that hurts. Let’s clean it up and get a bandaid on it.”
When it comes to chronic pain, kids and adults alike experience a lot of dismissive responses, and Dr. Sarah Wallwork, researching for the University of South Australia, says that this makes things worse. According to Science Daily:
“Pain and emotion are inextricably linked, with emotion dysregulation commonly co-occurring with chronic pain…By validating children’s experiences of pain, they are likely to hold fewer negatively biased memories of pain and be in better position to seek help in the future, when then need it.”
Listen & Support Without Inflating The Complaint
Though our instinct may be to offer reassurance, a 2006 study published in The Journal of Pediatrics explains that this isn’t the same as validation, and some types of reassurance can make pain worse for kids, at least during medical procedures.
That study found that kids rated their pain worse when adults offered reassurance with phrases like “I’ll hold your hand” and “You can get through this.” Instead, they found kids rated their pain lowest when parents used distraction techniques, particularly humor, and talked to the child about something other than the pain.
Researchers posited that this was because this type of reassurance communicated to the child that their parent was also anxious or worried about the procedure — instead of validating the pain, this method validated the fear.
Validating Your Child’s Pain Has Long-Term Effects For Emotional Health
A saying goes around in various forms about listening to your child when they come to you about “little things,” so they still trust you when they deal with “big things.” According to Idaho Family Magazine, the original version is from author Catherine Wallace and goes:
“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”
We can apply this to pain, both physical and emotional. When we tell our kids — explicitly or through our actions or dismissive responses — that their pain and feelings don’t matter, they don’t learn to express them and address them.
In terms of physical pain, we can ask our kids what hurts and let them tell us how it feels. Not only does this validate their experience, but it also provides practice for any time they need to communicate clearly to a medical provider about an injury.
Combining These Strategies For The Best Outcome
So, what we know is that validating a kid’s pain is essential, some types of reassurance can make pain worse, and distraction is a great tool for reducing pain.
How do we combine this and build our best response to bumps and ouches?
First, acknowledge that your child is in pain. Let them tell you what hurts and how it feels.
Evaluate your child for any need for medical intervention. What level of concern is warranted—a bandaid, a trip to urgent care, or an ambulance? Tell your child what steps are next.
For example, that might mean saying, “Okay, I see that your scrape is bleeding, so we should clean it up and get a bandaid,” or “Hey, I think we should take a ride and let a doctor look at this. Can you hold this clean bandage on it while I drive?”
Avoid catastrophizing, panicking, or any excessive reassurance that might communicate to your child that you’re scared.
Then, talk about other things, make jokes, and distract your child from the pain while you carry out the necessary steps.
Necessary Medical Caveats
In the case of serious injuries, the priority is accessing medical care, and parents should always monitor injuries for signs of infection or other issues.
Keeping kids calm is still important in these more severe situations, but it should never prevent a parent from taking necessary steps, like cleaning a wound or seeking medical attention.
As always, consult your pediatrician or family doctor when you have any concerns about your child’s health and well-being.