On camera, that mom is perfect. Her kids are learning a second language, her house is ideal, and her latest TikTok showed her developing a fantastic new recipe she guarantees even your pickiest child will eat.
Behind the scenes, she’s probably much more like you and me than we could imagine.
A majority of moms say they feel bad when they compare themselves to “momfluencers” on social media, but we have to remember we aren’t getting the whole picture.
What’s On Camera Is Only Part Of Anyone’s Life
You wouldn’t compare the state of your living room after the kids have had friends over to the state of someone else’s living room in their Christmas card photo because you know they’ve not only cleaned and decorated but also cropped that photo carefully.
Momfluencers give a Christmas card photo version of their lives online—and that’s fine because it’s not their job to share everything with us. They’re online to show us some pretty things, whether that’s their kids in picture-day clothing or their kitchen in pristine baking mode.
Still, these partial images can leave other moms feeling like failures, especially if their kitchen never looks quite that nice.
A Majority Of Moms Say These Social Media Depictions Make Them Feel Guilty
These social media moms — many of whom earn an income from their content and consider it their day job — appear to have it all together. Their houses (all the parts we see) are pristine, they try new recipes with the vegetables they’ve grown in their own garden, and they sew unique and perfect Halloween costumes for their whole family. Other moms feel like they can’t measure up. According to Mothering:
“Nearly three-quarters of moms surveyed (72.5%) say they compare themselves to other moms on social media, with 24.5% doing so often and 48% sometimes. Nearly 1 in 5 moms (18.8%) note that social media has negatively influenced their parenting style, with 40.6% of respondents admitting they sometimes compare their child’s development to those shown by momfluencers. Close to 35% report feeling pressured to create and share content that portrays a “perfect” parenting style and lifestyle.”
One important thing to take away from this survey: you’re not alone, most other moms also feel unable to live up to the image influencers produce.
These Influencers Are Human And Have Their Own Struggles
In reality, these folks also have lives off-camera, often including the same exhaustion, frustrations, and struggles that other mothers share. For instance, Hannah Neeleman, who produces content under the name Ballerina Farm and has been called “the queen of the tradwives,” was the center of controversy when she admitted to being exhausted and overworked in an interview. People reported:
“While Hannah’s social media content portrays an idyllic lifestyle, the profile revealed a somewhat different reality, as Daniel spoke about the mom-of-eight experiencing bouts of exhaustion and raising her family without childcare (at his request), prompting viewers to question how much of her life on social media is romanticized.”
Hannah quickly followed up the article with social media posts assuring her fans that her life is everything she wants, though she admitted in the interview that her life goals had involved New York and ballet.
Remember To Separate Performance Art From Reality
We all know that soap operas aren’t a good model for relationships, but we somehow get fooled into thinking that influencers, who also act on camera, are great models for how our lives should look. Author Sara Peterson released a book last year about the phenomenon, and according to Wired, she describes this content this way:
“We perform mothering online as a way of accessing meaning when, most days, the work of motherhood doesn’t seem to mean much of anything according to the many men legislating against paid family leave, universal preschool, and childcare subsidies…Motherhood renders all mothers powerless to an extent, and momfluencer culture offers us power and control.”
Peterson’s view on these moms isn’t that they should be ostracized and condemned for showing the parts of their lives they’re proud of or that they should be set on pedestals for the rest of us to feel shamed by. Instead, it’s one of empathy.
She sees women who seek validation and connection, which we can all identify with.
No Matter What You See, It’s Only Part Of The Story
Some influencer families turn out to have massive skeletons in their off-set closets.
For example, Ruby Franke, who once ran a YouTube channel that promised to help parents “heal’ their children’s “destructive behaviors,” ended up arrested and charged with child abuse after admitting to kicking her son and holding his head underwater, among other abuses, according to Forbes.
This has even come up for momfluencers in reality tv (perhaps the original momfluencers), such as the Duggar family of 19 Kids And Counting (the eldest son is currently in prison) and the Gosselin family of Jon & Kate Plus 8, have been embroiled in scandal as the children have come forward with unhappy stories of their experience.
Even outside these extremes, it’s important to remember that cameras only see a small part of a family’s story, and there’s little to gain from comparing your whole story—stains and all—to the brightest displayed parts of someone else’s.