Dr. Becky Kennedy is correcting the common misconception that “discipline” and “punishment” mean the same thing in parenting.
In contrast to parenting styles that are heavy on consequences, she explains that punishment is actually not very effective in correcting behaviors and that parents rely on it for an entirely different reason.
Some parents find her words vindicating, but others are frustrated to hear that one of the classic parenting tools is actually not very effective.
What Is Punishment Really For?
Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist who offers parenting advice and coaching at Good Inside, says that people rely on punishment because it is cathartic and concrete. When one hands out a punishment, one feels that something has been accomplished and has been done to address the problem.
Unfortunately, Dr. Becky explains, it doesn’t work. In an Instagram post that has some of her followers at odds, she describes the sort of parental response she’s talking about:
“Time-out. Dinner without dessert. No screen time. If you’re like most parents, you’ve reached your wit’s end and threatened your kid with one (or all!) of these.”
She’s Not Scolding Parents For This — Just Giving Permission To Reconsider
Dr. Becky empathizes with parents who, after imposing some consequences, find that their kids still engage in the same problematic behaviors. The punishment didn’t work, at least for very long.
Thus, parents get stuck in a cycle of repeating the same punishments repeatedly for the same actions. The kid has a tantrum over turning off his cartoon, so he gets sent to bed early, and then the next day, he has a tantrum over turning off his cartoon, so he gets sent to bed early.
It repeats until he learns not to throw that tantrum — but the mistake is in thinking that the punishment caused the learning. Even worse, in some cases, the punishment escalates instead of being repeated. Dr. Becky says:
“Let’s take a deep breath together, because I’ve been there too and I have some good news: We don’t have to choose between ‘good’ behavior and ‘good’ relationships—in fact, connection is the key to positive behavior change.”
Then Why Is Punishment The Standard Response To Bad Behavior?
We all know that when someone does something wrong, they must be punished. If it’s an adult speeding, there’s a fine. If it’s a kid being disrespectful, there’s a grounding. If it happens at school, it may result in detention or having to write out sentences or apologies.
We’ve all heard what will happen if we don’t dole out punishments: we’ll raise brats who walk all over us and do whatever they want and will expect to get away with anything they want as adults, too. Dr. Becky says that’s just not true, and punishments come from an immense feeling they don’t yet have the skill to manage.
She names three primary reasons that we leap straight to punishment as a response: it’s what we know; it’s a concrete visible response, and it gets a reaction that makes us feel like we’ve gotten through.
She Has An App For That
Dr. Becky’s Good Inside app helps parents find specific and direct strategies for combating problem behaviors, but her post contains some strong hints.
She says that instead of punishment, connection is a more effective way to deal with behaviors kids simply can’t be allowed to exhibit (like throwing things, hitting, or having tantrums). She also explains that its necessary to teach kids the missing skills.
That’s right—sitting with your kid and practicing the correct way to respond when he’s frustrated will go further than punishing him for his frustrated behaviors!
Many Of Her Fans Beg To Differ
One of the top responses on Dr. Becky’s post tries to achieve balance. This fan says that she agrees kids should be taught to handle their emotions, and that punishment shouldn’t be violent, but she believes kids have to have punishments, like the revocation of privileges, because it will be harder to learn about consequences of their actions later.
Another chimes in to insist that parents should do both, and another demands sources to back up Dr. Becky’s assertions.
Others Find Vindication In Her Words
Other parents chimed in to express their appreciation for the support, saying that they’ve been parenting without punishment and that it’s good to hear from an expert that they’re getting it right.
Many more chime in to ask the psychologist for more information — they have seen punishment fail for their kids, and they want to know what they can do that will work. Her books and app offering details on positive parenting techniques can be found on the Good Inside website, but she also regularly drops tips and hints for free on her social media.
Dr. Becky’s Tips For Connection-Centered Parenting
In her blog, Dr. Becky directly addresses some of the criticism she received on her Instagram post. For instance, she addresses the claim that not doling out punishments will result in an adult who doesn’t understand the consequences. She explains:
“If your child yells at their boss in their first job, they could lose their job. They need to know that, right? Well, here’s the thing: We can either teach our kids that there are consequences to yelling…or we can teach them how to manage their frustration so they won’t get to the point of yelling at their boss in the first place.”
She offers some specific tips, including how to respond to problem behaviors by setting boundaries instead of punishing — for instance, saying “I won’t let you throw. I’m going to put the blocks away until you can calm your body.”
That’s not a punishment; it’s protection. To add connection, she suggests saying something like, “You’re a good kid having a hard time.”
She advises parents to model the behavior they want to see. For example, she suggests verbalizing frustration when a jar lid is stuck and speaking aloud about how you’re handling the situation instead of losing your cool.
