There’s a natural impulse to shrug this off and consider hating school and being miserable a fact of life. As parents, though, we don’t want our kids to be miserable. We don’t want to make choices that contribute to piling up more and more mental health struggles they’ll have to work out on their own as adults.
So, with the school year well begun in some districts and starting up in others, what do we do when our kids are, truly, beyond all function, utterly inconsolable about the process?
Fortunately, experts in mental health and education have contributed their thoughts, so we have some valuable answers.
The First Step Is A Conversation With Your Child
From the first toddler utterance of the word “no” into adulthood, one of the great struggles of human development is the need for autonomy. Helping your child achieve a little autonomy won’t solve every problem in their life, but it’s a first step for so many of them.
Christine Willing, a licensed school psychologist writing at Think Happy Live Healthy, says to start by talking with your child to find out exactly what they hate so much about school. This will give you the tools to offer them as much autonomy as possible and help them find the choices they can make to control their day. She says:
“A great way to prompt your child for solutions is to ask them, ‘If you could change one thing about school, what would it be?’ Their answer should give you a great starting point for developing solutions.”
She emphasizes that invalidating their feelings with phrases like “everybody has to go to school” or “suck it up” is supremely unhelpful and that you should be working with your child for solutions, not silencing their emotions.
Consider The Possibility Of Neurological Differences
Janet Rucka-White, an educator who is finishing her studies to become a therapist, offered advice a few years ago about kids who hate school and opened with the disclaimer that her advice is particularly targeted to parents of a child with a diagnosis like ADHD or another learning disability or developmental disorder. She explains why these kids (and those with undiagnosed learning disorders, too) can have an especially hard time with school:
“Here’s the problem. For kids with LD, there is a good chance that each activity takes MORE energy than it does for a student with no LD. Therefore, after the difficult time they had with the math lesson, they may have used up almost all of their energy. Yet, they have more work to do in order to make it to the end of the day.”
Kids with learning disorders, she says, also struggle with emotional regulation, dealing with distractions (like classmates shouting or passing notes or sharpening pencils), and with organization, transitions, and injustice or perceived injustice (such as when a whole class is punished for the actions of some students).
If you suspect your child may fall into these categories, consider speaking to their pediatrician or school about a referral for evaluation. A diagnosis won’t instantly cure their school hate, but it could give them a better understanding of their struggles and provide access to an IEP and accommodations that may help.
Work With The School To Make Things Better
Reach out to your kid’s teachers, school counselors, or others involved in their day-to-day activities. Do not do this behind their backs! Make sure your child knows you plan to make contact first.
Discuss with the teacher what struggles your child is having and what options are available to help address them. This might be as simple as relocating your child’s seat away from a certain group, letting her have a study carrel to minimize distractions, or simply being a little more understanding of her difficulties. It’s possible that some of these accommodations are available even without an IEP if the teacher and school are willing.
Allison Price, who writes Slate‘s Care & Feeding advice column, answered a question this week from a parent who is frustrated and worried as, two weeks into the school year, her first grader is still crying at drop-off. She suggested meeting with the teacher and school social worker or counselor and even contacting last year’s teacher. She writes:
“Perhaps the social worker could observe both the drop-off process and the classroom to see if they notice any clues about your son’s unhappiness. Any number of things could be going on, and having a second pair of eyes (who aren’t also simultaneously trying to teach and manage an entire classroom) could be very helpful. I also wouldn’t be shy about emailing his Kindergarten teacher to see if she has any insights to share—whether he ever exhibited sadness, ennui or boredom in her classroom, and under what circumstances.”
Most Importantly, Don’t Panic, Especially Early In The Year
Remember when you had a newborn and learned about Second night Syndrome? It’s an unofficial name for that experience when you get home from the hospital. Suddenly you cannot put the baby down without him waking and crying, you can’t seem to get him fed enough to stop fussing, and you (exhausted and sleep-deprived) suddenly convince yourself you’ve already failed at parenting when you haven’t even been at it for 48 hours yet.
In school, it seems that we should coin the term “Second Week Syndrome.” Sarah Aswell covered it this week at Scary Mommy.
It’s that period when things are no longer new enough to be exciting and interesting but still new enough to be overwhelming. The adults seem to think the routine is established enough that it should be understood and followed. However, maybe your kid is still mixing up which period is science and which is social studies, forgetting which classes allow chewing gum and which don’t, and his body hasn’t fully adjusted to the new schedule.
Aswell describes this week as “pure, utter, hell,” with missed buses, lost shoes, and emotional outbursts — but she assures us that other families are going through it too, at this point.
So, if your normally-happy kid hates school on week two or three, consider the possibility that this might just be Second Week Syndrome and that it will pass (which doesn’t mean you should be dismissive of his feelings, just that you can have hope).
Seek Outside Support If Necessary (For Both Of You)
If your kid needs a little mental health support from his school counselor or a therapist, that’s okay. If you find that his school struggles have you seeking some support, that’s fine, too. And, if the help you need is more of the legal advocacy kind, don’t hesitate.
Jenni Walker, at Medium, shares the overwhelming feeling of being judged as a ‘terrible parent’ when her kids don’t exactly click with the school system’s vibe. She says she was “beamed at” when her older child excelled and got “judgment, looks, mean comments, gossip, and an assumption that it must be my fault” when her younger kids hated the process.
She says she had to hire a non-attorney school advocate to help when her child was being punished for attendance that arose from anxiety — essentially being punished for his school anxiety.
Find The Good In Every Day
When you ask your child about his school day, make sure that you’re not only collecting the negative stories, but asking about the best or funniest or most interesting things that happened, too.
This may help refocus from the negative. You can also start each day by asking what he’s excited about or looking forward to. (My kid, who is not happy about school this year, has his favorite class as the last period of the day, for instance, so I’m trying to focus him, for now, on thinking about getting to that part of the day.)
Consider Alternatives
Sometimes, you won’t find an answer that includes your child’s current situation. If addressing teacher clashes, bullies, emotional, and academic struggles doesn’t help, you may find yourself looking for other options.
Especially since the COVID-19 pandemic, more parents are considering alternative schooling options, including remote instruction through the public school system, private schools (in-person or remote), and homeschooling.
In most cases, changing venue shouldn’t be the first step in addressing a problem. However, as a parent, you’re in the best position to witness your child’s emotional, physical, and mental state. If you cannot resolve your child’s problems within the system, there are many other options to explore.