What’s the line between helpful, constructive criticism and a damaging attack on self-esteem? Thirty seconds could be the key to changing how you and your child talk to others.
Try teaching your children this trick for interactions with friends, and consider trying it yourself, not only with your peers but also with your children.
It’s a straightforward trick: if you criticize someone’s appearance that can’t be fixed in thirty seconds, keep it to yourself.
Being “Brutally Honest” Is No Way To Build Relationships
Some people take pride in being what they call “brutally honest.” Everyone certainly has the right to choose how they handle interactions with others, and which personality traits they find most appealing, but the fact remains that some behaviors are great for building strong relationships, and others are more likely to do damage.
For almost two decades, elementary teachers have been using the books Have You Filled A Bucket Today? and its later iteration, Fill A Bucket, both by author Carol McCloud, to help teach kids this lesson. The books analogize one’s sense of joy as a bucket that can be filled or emptied by various things, including others’ actions.
Students are taught—and there are all kinds of lesson plans, classroom decor, and other instructional materials to support this lesson—that by saying nice things, being friendly, helping, and generally showing kindness, they can fill other people’s buckets and their own at the same time. However, saying hurtful things or being unkind dips joy out of others’ buckets.
Teacher Builds On “Bucket-Filling” Lesson & Goes Viral
Elementary teacher Natalie Ringold is going viral after combining the lesson about filling buckets with the thirty-second rule and teaching it to her students, along with an unusual visual aid: toothpaste.
You shouldn’t criticize someone’s appearance unless they can fix it in thirty seconds. If you tell someone, for example, that their new haircut looks awful, there’s not much they can do about it quickly. They could return to the stylist when they have time or wait for it to grow out, but since they can’t fix it right now, you’re not helping. You’re just giving them something to feel self-conscious about.
On the other hand, if you see spinach in someone’s teeth, an unzipped fly, or crumbs on their shirt, all things that could be fixed with a quick trip to the restroom, letting them know saves the embarrassment of everyone else they encounter all day seeing the same thing.
The Viral Instagram Video
Check it out below as Ms. Ringold reviews the lesson with her students, who are picking up the point.
The Thirty-Second Rule In Parenting
As Ms. Ringold notes, there are exceptions. Your child cannot clean their room in thirty seconds, and it’s entirely appropriate to let them know if it’s a mess. They can’t change dietary choices in thirty seconds, and telling them they have to eat less sweets is entirely appropriate. The same can be true of some attitudes and behaviors.
Instead, apply the rule primarily to matters of appearance.
Once you’re in the restaurant, don’t tell your child her clothes clash. If you missed the opportunity to tell her at home, where she could do something about it in thirty seconds, save it for later. If she forgot to brush her hair and you have a brush in your purse, please hand it to her and give her whispered advice to pop into the restroom and make a quick fix.
The Thirty-Second Rule For Your Child
Teaching your child this rule will help prevent them from being known as the classmate who is always criticizing — the character on that kid’s shirt isn’t popular anymore, that makeup is the wrong shade for another girl, etc. Instead, they will be known as the helpful friend who points out an untied shoe before it causes a fall or offers a tissue for smeared mascara.
This relationship tip will help ensure that your child is filling buckets (including their own!) and building trusting, dependable relationships that will last. As Ms. Ringold showed her students, you can’t put toothpaste back in the tube.